A Low-key Proposal

Form a Third Party around the United Healthcare Shooter, the antidote to the 2016 Harambe moment that sent America in a tailspin.

First things first this guy is hot. Equal parts Anne Hathaway, Timothy Chalamet, and Luke Skywalker, it’s incredible that no one in a Hollywood studio thought to create him themselves. I’m frantically hitting my boys at Pizza Slime trying to get this man’s face custom printed onto a Four Loko Fleshlight as we speak.

Look at the ear-to-ear Julia Roberts-esque smile on this kid, the relatability getting a Starbucks Ethos Water before going to wórk, CARRYING for all Americans and killing the CEO responsible for denying 32% of claims in poetic fashion with bullets inscribed “Deny”, “Delay”, and I believe “Depose”.

One thing United Healthcare can’t deny or delay is every one’s horny for this man. We have been collectively thirsting for someone who would stand up to structural violence and here he is dressed like a Fremen from Arrakis.

Killing is bad.

That goes without saying, but the situation is so dire, the representation so decrepit, that somebody had to elect themselves a hero, a savior, America’s Next Top Shotta.

It’s funny to see liberals up in arms clutching their pearls watching “the kids” joke about the death of a CEO online, but what humanity do we owe someone who denies, delays, and dispenses death? Be consistent people! The internet is littered with videos of psychologists telling us to set boundaries, stop gaslighting, end toxic relationships, but why doesn’t this apply to the people leading this country?

I woke up to a New Yorker article titled A Man Was Murdered in Cold Blood and You’re Laughing? and it made ME laugh because purportedly liberal publications like the New Yorker, The New York Times, and whatever the fuck MSNBC is these days parade around like progressives “empathizing” with all the hurt in America playing ruin porn on a loop, but in actuality they’re a bunch of elitist morons that have the power and privilege to sit around thinking about some bullshit neoliberal utopia where power and privilege are doled out along identity lines they don’t even understand while the rest of America fucks itself into one interracial mocha mousse identity still destined to crumble under denied coverage and credit card debt.

If I was an alien from another country and you told me that we have a “democracy” where elite rich people hold parties and dinners to fund the campaigns of approved rich people to then run a country of poor people, I could probably predict that someone with a Starbucks Ethos Water would rise up and start shooting the rich.

If you told me that homelessness was rising, birth rates were declining, credit card debt was skyrocketing, but that the stock market was at an all time high, I could absolutely predict that the poors were about to shoot the club up.

The writing is on the wall. IT’S OVER FOR ALL YOU HOS. THE POOR PEOPLE ARE COMING. This is what Game of Thrones is about. The White Walkers are the people with United Healthcare Coverage, the Starks are MSNBC, the Lannisters are Fox, and unlike the sutured fantasy novel, I think the White Walkers are going to win because the Starks and Lannisters have nothing if the poor people aren’t poor’ing.

For this ponzi scheme called the American economy to work, poor people have to poor and for it to scale you need more poor people to poor. Currently, the poor people on all sides are against immigration which translated is “an influx of more poors”. None of the liberals campaigning for immigration on the air want to say it, but that’s what immigration is. When the current poors grow up, the generation they leave behind is unwilling to poor so you need more people from a more poor place to come poor in your country. Now that we are building walls and stopping the flow of poors you have a country of Rich people, comfortable people, and poor people unwilling to continue being poor.

It’s ironic because the solution to our impoverished situation is more poors, but if you are an intercontinental poor out there I want to hear from you in the comments. Is America still a better place to be poor? Do you actually want to be here? You might as well stay in your native land where you don’t have to beg to be seen by a bunch of people benefitting from your poorishness that also think you’re the problem for their feeling of poorishness despite actually being comfortable in comparison.

The last few elections have been completely distracted and deranged. I don’t care if anyone calls me oriental or retarded or that Clint Eastwood couldn’t stop saying zipperhead in Gran Torino, but I do hope that a woman could get an abortion if she had an ectopic pregnancy and it’d be cool to have jobs. Would love job. Is that too much to ask?

Despite writing multiple books and having multiple shows, I am on fucking Substack because there are no jobs. I know directors that moved to Scottsdale. I got writer friends that moved back in with their parents in PHILADELPHIA. No one actually wants to live in PHILADELPHIA. I know actors from major shows chopping wood in Maryland. I know DJs who who are loan sharks, I know former executives selling street wear, I know art advisors that are now strippers, every one is standing on their heads trying to make ends meet. I’m about to get a job at Boston Sand and Gravel if this keeps up.

You know who’s leading actually progressive thought in America today? The United Healthcare Killer. Democrats and Republicans are within degrees of each other in the center. They’re arguing over semantics dressed as a debate about morality, but they are all fucking scum bags. The only true leader we have is The United Health Care Shooter.

If Harambe was the moment on the timeline where every thing went to shit in 2016, the United Healthcare Shooter is the antidote. WE ARE UP FROM HERE DOGGY. So shut the fuck up New Yorker, take a look at yourself with your stupid horn rimmed glasses, your cartoon drawings, your sorry excuses for solutions, your Zabar’s totes - you goofy neoliberal cucks - and let’s form a third party around the United Healthcare Shooter.

He is I and I am him, what’s my mother fucking name?

Uniiiiited Heaaaalthcare Shoooteeerrrrr.

Da-da-da-da-dah
Do-do-do-do, doo-doo-doo-da-dah (the bomb)
Da-da-da-da-dah